Get off the road, grandma.

I don’t hate our senior citizens. New Zealand became the country it is today thanks to the labour of generations that came before us, and for that I am very grateful. Sure, they could have done a better job when it comes to things like planning city transport networks properly instead of  throwing last-minute fixes at things long after it is needed, but they still did alright. So, excuse me while I sound like an asshole by saying this: Old people shouldn’t drive.

Oh no he didn’t…

Ok, ok, turn caps lock off and step away from the comments section for just a second. I admit, not ALL old people are shitty drivers, so let me follow up on that previous sentence by doing a last-minute add on (much like what the Auckland council does with transport problems):

“Unless they can pass physical driving tests to prove they are still capable and confident drivers.”

I’m not saying we should be taking the older generation’s freedom away, but there has definitely been an increase in instances where an elderly man or woman managed to cock up while driving with disastrous results. One of the more common causes of incidents involving older drivers, is where they mess up the very first thing someone learns when driving a car: Which pedal makes you zoom-zoom like you’re in a Mazda commercial, and which pedal makes you stop. Between what shouldn’t even be a beginner mistake and legitimate medical reasons, older drivers have been responsible for quite a bit of bent metal recently, and in this terrible case, a fatality. At some point, a line has to be drawn in the sand. Like a host of other problems caused by shitty drivers in NZ, the blame for this lies squarely with driver licensing system and the fact that we seem to be handing the fucking things out like candy.

A drivers license is not just a plastic card which you show off to work colleagues and friends while playing a game of “who has the worst looking photo on an official document.” Its one and only purpose is to prove that the holder of the license is 100% confident and capable of operating a motor vehicle in all scenarios a driver is expected to encounter on a regular basis. Yet for some reason we have people who can’t pull into a parking spot in under 30 attempts, which is funny on YouTube, until you realise those people share the road with you, or those who can’t seem to tell the difference between two arrows pointing in different directions. A few years ago, I was offered a ride home from an old work colleague. Upon reaching the motorway (highway for the non-Kiwi’s) she got to about 60km/h and stayed there. When I asked her why she’s doing 40km/h under the speed limit, she replied “I am too scared to do a hundred”. Too scared to do 100km/h? Who the fuck gave you a license? If you are too “scared” to do something you’re expected to be able to do, then you don’t qualify to hold a license. Ever heard of an airline pilot too scared to land an airplane? Think he’d have a license?

The same can be said for every time an old man or lady do the ol’ switch-a-roo on the pedals by mistake. If a driver reaches the stage in their driving life where they panic in completely normal situations and end up standing on the gas pedal instead of the brake resulting in a crash, then their license should be revoked and not be allowed to drive. Much like how you don’t give a gun license to someone who’s first instinct is to look down the barrel after a miss fire, we should probably stop giving drivers licenses to people who sit at roundabouts waiting on cars several miles away because they’re too scared to go, and definitely start taking them away from people who don’t qualify anymore.

Now, some of you may already be saying how there already are some controls such as a medical check up in place to make sure older drivers are healthy enough to drive, and they’d be correct. At the very least, these help shrink the number of crashes caused by medical reasons. However, this does nothing for completely healthy people who just plain can’t drive or react faster than a snail in the way of a steam roller.


According to the flow chart above, if you are over 75 and a doctor declares you medically fit to drive, you’re good to go, license renewed. Only in some cases are older drivers required to pass an on-road safety test. What I am saying is the top two options in that chart shouldn’t be there, especially when we consider the fact that people’s lives are at stake. Check our that link, specifically figure 3, which is a road fatality break down by age. The New Zealand Transport Agency loves doing their “speed kills” ads, and how we should all pay better attention at intersections. That’s all well and good, but not once have we seen a “If you can’t fucking drive, don’t drive” campaign. Here, I’ll start us off with a billboard:


I think it is high time we get onto that one.

Get off the road, grandma.

Sky TV can fuck off.

Ever since Netflix brought their streaming service to New Zealand I was sold. I can watch TV shows and movies without ads, at only $12.99 a month? Brilliant! I can honestly say none of the TV’s in our house have been connected to an aerial or satellite dish in a very long time, and I don’t miss conventional TV even a little.

For a long time in New Zealand you had two choices if you’d like to watch TV: You either went for the free option, TVNZ, where you will be bombarded with annoying ads and countless hours of reruns. In the rare case we did get a new show to watch, it was always a good few months behind what people have access to in the rest of the world. But, it was free, and complaining about something you get for free is almost like complaining about your developing bald spot to a cancer patient.

The other option was to get Sky TV. The worst fucking thing to happen to TV ever. For starters, they are stupidly overpriced, ridiculously behind the curve of emerging technology, and when anyone dares bring out a competing service, they throw their toys out of the cot. The last part of that sentence was made crystal clear when Sky TV threw a massive legal tantrum when NZ ISP’s came up with “global Mode” allowing consumers to access overseas streaming services such as Hulu and Netflix. Sky TV is obviously not a happy toddler when anyone threatens their monopoly on TV content in New Zealand.

But of course, Sky TV now has their own streaming service. Funny how they only bring out something everyone has been wanting for years when another company comes to fill that gap in the market. Quickflix and now the New Zealand version of Netflix has been stealing a lot of customers, so Sky TV introduced Neon.

Neon is a st(r)eaming pile of dogshit (see what I did there?). For starters, Netflix and Quickflix steam HD content for $12.99 a month, and both services have decent, ever expanding libraries of shows and movies to watch. Neon is $20 a month, doesn’t stream HD content (in 20-fucking-15 no less) and a homeless person has more teeth that Neon has shows to watch. If they weren’t the only legal way of watching Game of Thrones in New Zealand, I’d be surprised they have customers at all.

The other reason people still hand over their hard earned money to Sky TV is sport. Now, I don’t watch Rugby, so this doesn’t really apply to me personally, but the only way to watch the world cup I am told is happening right now, is to be subscribed to Sky Sports. I’m sure you can find an online streaming source, but I didn’t care to look, because I can still make the point I am going for, which is: New Zealand’s very own TV network are not allowed to broadcast what is arguably the biggest sporting event for New Zealanders, because Sky fucking TV has the monopoly on all Rugby World Cup broadcasts. How sad is that?

Thank god for Netflix and VPN’s…

Sky TV can fuck off.

10 Kiwi driver behaviours that really piss me off

I think most New Zealanders can agree that we have some of the worst drivers in the world, which is why I am so surprised that Kiwi dash cam videos aren’t nearly as abundant or popular as their Aussie or Russian counterparts. We give 15 year old kids licenses, the Police put all their eggs in the “speeding” basket instead of real dangers like red light running and we have practically zero effective driver training.

A good quote I read recently was “We are taught to pass a test, not to drive a car”. And that is spot on. Here is the 10 things Kiwi drivers do that piss me off:

People who slow down when they see a Police car… even when they’re not speeding


Nothing ruins traffic flow more than a police car joining in on the journey. As soon as the Holden with the blue and reds pull onto the motorway (highway for all you international readers) everyone slows down to a crawl.

The worst part is even if nobody was speeding, they will all slam on the brakes so hard you’d be excused for thinking they are trying to squash a fly on the inside of the windscreen with G-forces alone.

This also happens when driving past a police officer on the side of the road who have only just pulled another driver over. Everyone freaks out, hits the breaks, and I am left wondering why. Does anyone actually think the officer is going to spot someone driving past and think “fuck it, I’ll let this guy go and get that lunatic doing the speed limit instead!”

Drivers who hog the fast lane, and refuse to move over and let you pass

Since I have written about this before in a previous article, I will keep this entry brief. People who hog the passing lane (right hand lane here in NZ) yet refuse to let faster cars pass is my #1 rage inducing gripe on my daily commute. I especially love the ones that get angry at ME when I am forced to pass them in the slow lane.

Slow drivers who speed up when they get to passing lanes

Traveling between towns and cities throughout New Zealand, you will spend the majority of your time on single lane country roads. Some are straighter than others, but regardless of the conditions of the road, you are 100% guaranteed to run into one of these lovely people.

They will drag along 20km/h under the speed limit with a massive train of cars behind them completely oblivious to the pain and suffering they are causing. But what’s this? A passing lane in 2km? Excellent!

Passing lane arrives eventually… But wait! Something’s wrong… Why is this person suddenly doing 10km over the speed limit? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Yep, now everyone is left with a choice: Seriously break the speed limit to get past them, or accept your fate of becoming a tortoise for the next couple of hours.

This is the #1 reason I drive in the middle of the night. Less cars on the road means less of these people, and more overtaking opportunities.

Selfish drivers who use a left or right turn only lane to push in front of traffic

I used to see this every day when I lived in Auckland. One road between home and the office annoyed me in particular. It had two lanes, one being a left turn only, and the other for turning right. Every afternoon without fail, the left hand lane would fill up with vehicles, as everyone leaves work for the day.

You can see where this is going… of course, every asshole who thinks they are more important that everyone else, sits in the right hand lane till the very end, then push their way into the left hand lane. And that brings me to…

Idiots who let the selfish pricks above in

… these idiots. They all drive down the same road every day, they see the same right hand lane wankers push in day after day, yet for some reason they sit in the left hand lane while leaving more than enough space in front of their vehicle to fit Pinocchio’s car in if he’s been a politician all his wooden life (Note: I’m implying his car is really, really long).

The right hand lane assholes know these drivers will let them in, and that is exactly why they take advantage of this inconsiderate maneuver in the first place. I genuinely think the most annoying drivers in this situation are the ones that enable the queue jumpers in the first place. If everyone refused to let them in, and forced them all the turn right instead, the problem will go away.

People who don’t indicate, or indicate too much


Time for the cliche of road rage: Indicators. So you finally made it through the brunt of traffic, flipped a few queue jumpers the bird, and after a sigh of relief you find yourself driving behind one other car down a relatively quiet street.

Suddenly, he stops without warning. As soon as you think to yourself “Oh sure, why not. I love stopping in the middle of the road for no god damn reason”, he turns into a driveway or a side street. Brilliant. Someone should let Mercedes know they missed a key feature present in even the cheapest vehicle on the road, namely a device that will let other drivers know when you’re turning.

The other side of the coin is equally annoying though: People who just indicate 3 years before their turn off, or my personal favourite, people who don’t know how to indicate at roundabouts. In New Zealand, when going straight at a roundabout, you do not indicate as you enter, only when you leave. The amount of time I have spent sitting at a roundabout waiting on cars indicating right only for them to go straight, is time I could have wasted on the couch watching Netflix instead.

People who are rocket ships on straight roads, but arthritic old ladies in the corners

You tend to run into these people pretty often. You’ll be on a country road, traveling at a relatively rapid pace then suddenly out of nowhere a late model SUV flies past you at speeds so incredible, the scientists at CERN are conCERNed (hah!) that light being the fastest thing in the universe may have been wrong all this time.

Eventually Mr. SUV will encounter the most fearsome adversary of all time: A corner. He freaks out at the thought of having to turn the steering wheel, and reacts by turning into a 90 year old woman.

Suddenly, you are right up this SUV’s arse, as he goes around the corners so slow, the snails riding shotgun under his car starts to think “Fuck this, we’ll walk. This is going to take all day.”

Drivers who queue across an intersection


Busses and trucks seem to be the worst offenders here, but cars are no exception. I can understand that sitting in traffic sucks, and having to sit through a green lights because there is no room on the other side is frustrating. But there is one thing worse, people that decide “to hell with everyone else, I’m going anyway!” Great, now nobody can go through the intersection, because Selfish-Twat McGee here has an over inflated sense of self worth.

When I was in the US, I saw signs at intersections telling drivers that there is a $250 fine if the queue across the intersection. Man, what I’d give to have the New Zealand police put down the radar guns and go camp out at intersections fining these muppets instead.

People who have no idea where they are going

You can easily spot these people by their signature move: Sudden left or right turn from across 3 lanes of traffic. Even in the days where we had nothing better than a physical map instead of GPS and smart phones, this was inexcusable.

If you don’t know where you’re going, then pull over and work that shit out. And if you do find yourself in the wrong lane, endangering every other road user should be so far down the “to do” list, it should even be below “give a starving tiger a surprise blowjob.”

Cyclists who treat road rules like a buffet, picking and choose which ones they feel like following


Ah cyclists. Nothing can cause a more heated debate among road users than someone that uses their own two legs to get to work instead of an internal combustion engine. Which side of the debate am I on you may ask? Neither.

There are definitely assholes on both sides, and I am happy to report that I try my very best to always be aware of, and give as much space to a cyclist as possible. Except the selfish ones.

There is a coastal road in Auckland, where the council did something wonderful. They build a nice, smooth and wide cycle lane, completely separate from the road, keeping them well out of the way of cars and trucks.

Now, one guess as to where they all cycle? If you guessed “the middle of the fucking road” then congratulations, you win. This is not the only road where this happens, but it is the best example since a while ago there was a massive news story about a cyclist that got run over by a truck on that very road. And no, the truck was not driving on the cycle lane.

I can go on about other issues like cyclists riding 3 abreast on a 100kh/m country road, ignoring traffic lights and other road rules, but we will be here all day, and this is starting to get a bit long already.

I guess all I am saying is, whether you drive a car or ride a bicycle, stop being so god damn selfish and think about everyone else who has to share the road with you.

10 Kiwi driver behaviours that really piss me off

Facebook pages that link to a single photo instead of just posting the damn thing is annoying

Ever seen a funny picture on Facebook? I have, they are about the only reason I have Facebook to begin with. Facebook must like them too, because they added the most incredible functionality to their site: The ability to UPLOAD photos so people can look at them, right there in their very own newsfeed!

Amazing, I know. Zuckerberg may be a douche, but he knows what people like. I do hope then, that some of the more popular Facebook pages that share funny photos stumble upon and read this blog post, because I am sure they will feint from sheer excitement over this incredible technology.

It will definitely beat their current step by step method for sharing photos:

  1. Create a really, really terrible website, that is awkward and difficult to navigate.
  2. Plaster as many shitty, animated and noise making ads over any and all exposed parts of the website.
  3. Make sure that the photo people are there to look at is the absolute last thing to load, so that their iPhones will break down in tears under the weight of all the advertising, and beg the user to just go on without it before they get a chance to see the picture.
  4. Post a link to your shitty page on your Facebook page, making sure that the thumbnail of the picture makes it seem far funnier than what the full size one actually is.
  5. Look at the stats on your Google Analytics page while masturbating yourself to sleep because you have no friends.

Screen Shot 2015-09-26 at 11.03.36 am

Like these assholes. That’s not a photo, it’s a link to their website. There is no other content on the page (unless you count ads as content), only links to other shitty click bait rubbish on other equally shitty websites.

I know why they do it. These websites aren’t sharing funny pictures to make our newsfeeds a happier place, they simply want you on their site so they can get a slice of that sweet ad revenue pie. The worst part is, they don’t even deserve it. The content is never original and they make their money by exploiting other people’s work.

And this is yet another reason I use Ad Block Plus, except on specific websites. I do believe that certain sites deserve their ad revenue, like one of my favorite websites, Cracked. They post original content on a daily basis, and they pay the people who write for them. Best of all their ads aren’t terribly intrusive (at least, there are far worse examples online).

I absolutely believe there is a happy medium where content creators and consumers can get along, Cracked is a great example, without people resorting to Ad blockers because website are either bombarding them with terrible and bandwidth hogging ads, or shitty content aggregator websites like 9gag lolface or whatever the fuck it’s called.

But of course, as long as shitty websites get paid to steal other people’s content, greed will always win.

Facebook pages that link to a single photo instead of just posting the damn thing is annoying

I hate phone calls

I really hate talking to people on the phone. Receiving a phone call when you’re half a dozen beers deep into a Netflix marathon is almost worse than dying 5 minutes before the cliffhanger ending to a season finale of Game of Thrones. I hate it so much, my Samsung smart phone is permanently switched to silent, and vibrate is turned off.


My main reason for this is due to the fact that a phone call commands immediate attention, just like certain unskippable YouTube ads. You can’t just ignore and deal with it later as easily as a text or email, because you will then have to decode the shitty voicemail that sounds like it was recorded by Chimpanzees riding shotgun on an airliners undercarriage. My idea of a fun night in is definitely not listening to someone’s voice message 50 times over to get their phone number because they said one digit funny. And don’t even get me started on people who wait for the beep, then hang up without saying anything at all.

The other reason is that a phone call usually just takes too damn long. A typical 10 minute phone call will consist of 9 and a half minutes spent on greetings, feigning interest in how the person on the other end of the line has been recently and chit chat about nothing in particular, then a brief 30 seconds discussing the reason for the phone call in the first place. A short text message or email could have explained all the important bits, without me having to scramble for the Xbox One controller to hit pause.

I have tried to think of many solutions to my problem, and my current one of keeping the phone from making any noise whatsoever is working out OK, but I would much rather just turn the whole phone function off completely. But the problem there is I still need to allow phone calls from my significant other and emergency services in case someone was dumb enough to put me down as their emergency contact.


“Sure officer, I’ll be right down after this episode of Daredevil finishes. He’ll be dead by then? Can I have his stuff?”

A solution then, is to have a service that turns all your voicemail messages into text messages. But then I am face with the fact that I simply can’t seem to find a single entity in New Zealand that provides this service. The closest I could find was Google Voice, which doesn’t work without a US phone number.

Guess I’ll just need to record a new voicemail greeting:

“Hi, you have failed to interrupt whatever I am doing, and have reached a voicemail box that gets even less attention than the Queen’s vagina. Feel free to leave a message if you really want to, but since we both know that 90% of the messages left here will consist of nothing more than you breathing, you could also try the alternative of sending me a text message. bye!”

I hate phone calls

Unskippable ad on YouTube? Fuck it, I didn’t want to watch that cat video anyway.

Today’s post will tie in a little with my recent sales rep post regarding how I hate having whatever I am doing interrupted so that some asshole can try and sell me something. Nowhere is this worse than on YouTube, especially when we’re talking about ads that you can’t skip.

In 2013 statistics surfaced stating that 80 – 85% of YouTube ads that allow you to skip the ad after a few seconds, are in fact skipped. Now to a normal person, this simply means 80% of people aren’t interested in your company or product enough to stop what they are doing and buy it. The advertisers however believe the internet is a dictatorship, and the netizens should be forced to sit quietly and watch their shit.

Advertisers obviously don’t like paying money for ads that aren’t being watched, but instead of them taking these statistics and concluding that maybe people hate being interrupted while listening to 80’s music playlists, and they should find a better way to advertise their product, instead they came to the conclusion that if people don’t want to watch their ads, they should have their ads forced upon them. Can’t skip ads if you don’t give people the option after all.

They are almost like a parent shoving disgusting vegetables down a toddlers throat, only in this case the vegetable is an asshole in his garage telling you how awesome he is for owning a Lamborghini.

This is the guy:

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 1.45.47 pm

Also yes, I know I have mentioned him before, I just hate him so much that he’s my go-to example of shitty YouTube ads. And yes I know you can skip his ad. I still hate him. Jesus I want to punch that guy.

Anyway, my point is this: If you want to show me an ad for a product I probably don’t want or need, then let me skip it. If I am forced to watch a 30 second ad so I can watch a cat fall off a kitchen table, it’s only going to make me hate your brand.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 1.52.03 pm

Unskippable ad on YouTube? Fuck it, I didn’t want to watch that cat video anyway.

Sales Reps: The real world’s pop-up ads.

I hate sales reps. On a near daily basis at work I receive emails and/or phone calls from people trying to sell us their shit. Since I work in online marketing, the “shit” usually takes the form of SEO services, social media experts or website designers.

I honestly can’t understand how sales reps (specifically tele-sales) can even exist. Have we as consumers become so dull and gullible that we put up with being called at dinner time by some teenager that hates their job and actually go through with a purchase? I can only imagine that this was the board room meeting that started it all:

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 12.19.02 pm

Yes, I used a meme generator for that image. I googled “meme generator”. I needed a service, so I searched for it. They didn’t have to beg me via email or phone to use it. Effective, isn’t it?

This “annoy the fuck out of people till buy your stuff just to make you go away” strategy baffles me completely, mostly because my approach to marketing is based on my own experience being on the consumer side of the coin. Every time I consider a new marketing strategy, I as myself “How would I like to be advertised to?”

The answer is always the same: I like to see relevant ads only when I am actively searching for the product they are advertising in the first place. I get genuinely irritated having advertising thrown at my face, for products I have never, nor ever will consider buying. If I want to buy a magic bean that will make me lose an elephant’s weight in 3 minutes, I will go out looking for it. And then I would avoid anything that went anywhere near Dr Oz, because he is a fucking fraud.

The point is, if you want to sell something, sell it to the people already looking and ready to buy your product. Don’t email or call people begging them to buy your stuff. best case scenario, you find some idiots who throws their money at anything and everything. Worst case, you find people like me who now hates you so much, they will go out of their way to find your competitors and give them their money instead.

Sales Reps: The real world’s pop-up ads.