Facebook messenger is stupid – and notifications in general

I have stubbornly refused to install the Facebook messenger app ever since Facebook thought the best way for their users to communicate, is by removing the perfectly functional capabilities from the main app, and force us all to install a completely separate one. Maybe Mark Zuckerberg just can’t enjoy masturbating with billions of dollars anymore, knowing the entire human race only have 3 apps owned by them installed on their smartphones instead of 4.

I have no issue with the app itself though, some people love spending every second of their lives chatting with people they don’t care about enough to talk to face to face. For these people having an app with some added functionality so they can send each other stickers instead of actually communicating with each other is great. The issue I have, is that they removed the ability to check and reply to messages through the normal Facebook app, yet for some absolutely infuriating reason left this annoying little fucker behind:

Screen Shot 2015-11-06 at 10.54.00 am
Numbers in little red circles are the modern world’s polio… well, until those anti-vaxxer fuckwits bring the real thing back, of course.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Now my phone will forever have that stupid notification icon displayed, and if I dare tap on it, Facebook tells me to download Messenger. To hell with that, I’ll use my web browser. Take that Zuckerberg. But of course, since the Facebook app is such a horrible bloody thing, even if you read the message elsewhere, it takes a million years for the damn thing to go away. I have a solution though:

Screen Shot 2015-11-06 at 10.56.35 am

I hate notifications. By far the most annoying part of the modern world (and smartphones in particular) is that you are always connected to the rest of the world, even when you don’t want to be. Having your smartphone beep, vibrate and blink every time literally anything fucking happens, no matter how unimportant, is like having one of those creatures people insist on pushing out of their vaginas then taking on long plane rides or to the supermarket to annoy every human being within earshot. They are nothing but attention seeking leeches.

Some apps are even worse, like the Air New Zealand app, which I actually love because you can use it to board the plane without having to go to a check in counter. I get to board a plane with minimal contact with other humans, and that is perfect. But, the problems start when you land at your destination. Upon disengaging flight mode, the app throws a notification at you, telling you about all the activities and sights you can ignore, because they are probably all really shit. Unless you landed in Queenstown, which is actually nice.

While that is lovely if you are a tourist and the purpose of your visit is to actually go sightseeing, but every time I fly to Auckland for work, I really don’t care. So, I clear the notifications. But wait, what’s this? The notification is back again? Ok, clear it a second time. Again? What the flying fuck? And the you go through this another dozen times or so.

My mother always ask me why I even have a mobile phone if I ignore almost all phone calls, text messages or notifications. The answer is simple: To me, my smartphone is for browsing the internet when I’m not near my computer. I genuinely would love a smartphone designed with a web browser app, and nothing else.

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Facebook messenger is stupid – and notifications in general

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