I hate phone calls

I really hate talking to people on the phone. Receiving a phone call when you’re half a dozen beers deep into a Netflix marathon is almost worse than dying 5 minutes before the cliffhanger ending to a season finale of Game of Thrones. I hate it so much, my Samsung smart phone is permanently switched to silent, and vibrate is turned off.

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My main reason for this is due to the fact that a phone call commands immediate attention, just like certain unskippable YouTube ads. You can’t just ignore and deal with it later as easily as a text or email, because you will then have to decode the shitty voicemail that sounds like it was recorded by Chimpanzees riding shotgun on an airliners undercarriage. My idea of a fun night in is definitely not listening to someone’s voice message 50 times over to get their phone number because they said one digit funny. And don’t even get me started on people who wait for the beep, then hang up without saying anything at all.

The other reason is that a phone call usually just takes too damn long. A typical 10 minute phone call will consist of 9 and a half minutes spent on greetings, feigning interest in how the person on the other end of the line has been recently and chit chat about nothing in particular, then a brief 30 seconds discussing the reason for the phone call in the first place. A short text message or email could have explained all the important bits, without me having to scramble for the Xbox One controller to hit pause.

I have tried to think of many solutions to my problem, and my current one of keeping the phone from making any noise whatsoever is working out OK, but I would much rather just turn the whole phone function off completely. But the problem there is I still need to allow phone calls from my significant other and emergency services in case someone was dumb enough to put me down as their emergency contact.

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“Sure officer, I’ll be right down after this episode of Daredevil finishes. He’ll be dead by then? Can I have his stuff?”

A solution then, is to have a service that turns all your voicemail messages into text messages. But then I am face with the fact that I simply can’t seem to find a single entity in New Zealand that provides this service. The closest I could find was Google Voice, which doesn’t work without a US phone number.

Guess I’ll just need to record a new voicemail greeting:

“Hi, you have failed to interrupt whatever I am doing, and have reached a voicemail box that gets even less attention than the Queen’s vagina. Feel free to leave a message if you really want to, but since we both know that 90% of the messages left here will consist of nothing more than you breathing, you could also try the alternative of sending me a text message. bye!”

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I hate phone calls

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