Here in Middle Earth, we ride our horses on the left of the road, and we are allowed to gallop at no more than 100km/h. Occasionally we even have roads with more than one lane in it, and when we’re lucky enough to have such luxuries, they often come with this sign:
For those who drive on the wrong side of the road, just pretend is says “keep right unless passing”. The idea is that drivers should stick to the left (slow) lane, and only use the right (fast) lane when performing an overtaking manoeuvre, then return to the left hand lane afterwards.
But like all good signs, like those that tell people to push a door to open it or the ones in theatres telling teenagers to stop fucking with their phones while the movie is playing, this one often gets ignored completely. Frankly, it would be far more accurate if it was to look like this:
I should hope you’ve already met and introduced yourself to the point I am trying to make, and is already at the counter ready to buy it a drink. If not, then allow me:
Every single day, I have to deal with people so very oblivious to the world around them, a bomb could explode next to them and they would be none the wiser. 90% of the time, these idiots sit in the right hand lane, doing not a smidge over 90km/h. Now I do think myself to be a very courteous driver, I let people in, I merge like a zip (check back later for an article about zip merging!) and try my best not to tailgate. This is impossible when I run into one of these fast lane hogging bastards.
Every day I am faced with the dilemma “Do I keep my distance and wait for them to move, or do I pretend my car is a dog on heat and go sniff the other car’s arse hoping they would take the hint?” I always try plan A first because I try not to be an asshole, but do you think they notice? Not a chance… plan B then. Yeah right! It goes without saying that plan C has now become my default response: Wait for a gap in the left hand lane, drop into 3rd gear and give the throttle a taste of my size 12 boots.
That of course, is when they notice and responds by trying to speed up and prevent me from returning to the right hand lane. Luckily I drive a car that has a few extra horses in the paddock, and the manoeuvre works out 9 out of 10 times. I am then congratulated for my victory by the lane hogging turd with a friendly high beams right up my arse.
New Zealand drivers are so friendly.